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I haven’t been writing about love since high school. I guess because life happened afterwards and writing in general was pretty much postponed from a day to another. Also, the word “love” became so ubiquitous that, writing about it, seemed somehow trivial.

What exactly is love?

We use this word everyday and everywhere: “I love tuna salad!” or “I love Madona!” or…”I love my boyfriend, he is really taking care of me.”, etc. The  truth of the matter is that we are taking the word “love” for granted, because in almost every situation we use it, it’s for our own sake, for our own benefit. Do I really “love” Madona or I love the effect of her music on my senses? Do I really love the fish (tuna) or I like my experience of dining, do I really love my boyfriend, or I just love the way he makes me feel? You see, it’s very easy to loose the real meaning of love in a world based on instant gratification. It’s easy to confuse LOVE with NEED. Most of the times, love is misunderstood. We say we love that and that, when we actually feel an excruciating need for different things and people. We have been programmed this way. Most of the people think they are in love when, actually, they are in desperate need. That’s why the majority of the relationships collapse, because most of us are not looking for love, but to fulfill a need.

A few years ago, I read an interview in an Italian magazine and my one take from that interview was that when the lady was asked about the secret of her 17-year marriage she stated: “We don’t need each other, that’s why we are still together. I am always doing my thing, and he is doing his things, and when we meet it is because we want to share our experiences and feel good with each other. ” When they meet in the evening, after a day full of activities, they share and live their love, their oneness. That was a great example for me and for how love had to be understood.

If two halfs built a relationship based on a need and not unconditional love, than that relationship is most probably set up for failure and for a painful one.

Indeed , when you are a busy person, with established values and clearly defined goals and interests, you don’t need “another” human being to fulfill you. You are fulfilled and at this point you are ready to share your happiness and well being. You are ready to love. To Give Unconditionally. Simple. Amazing.

Defining Love

Have you ever looked up the word “love” in the dictionary?

“Love” according to Merriam Webster :  “unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) :  the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) :  brotherly concern for others a (1) :  strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child>”

As you can see, the very definition of the word love is in strong contradiction with our daily illustrations of love. Love is not about ourselves, love is about the other. True love has to do with the well-being of another person, with unconditionally loving the other without waiting for something in return. Pay attention to the word “Unselfish” which is pivotal when we are talking about love.

The Greatest Enemy

Love is patient, love is kind. All those tears and drama after a break up most often defined as love, is in fact, not love! It’s ego. It’s a crushed, deteriorated, and wounded Ego. The Ego hates the idea of affection towards another, without any gain for itself. Furthermore, it’s not just a simple Ego. It’s a layered one. That is the  reason why many times we cannot find our soul mate, because our real “self” is deeply hidden behind Ego’s walls.

“We create oneness with the other half of our soul and experience true love when we rise above our selfish traits.” (Yehuda Berg)

Love is dual

It’s about giving and receiving. You cannot expect just to receive and you cannot give with the hope of receiving. It’s just not working this way. This is not love. Unconditionally offering a gift without expecting anything in return is a manifestation of love! Try to do that and you will notice how hard it is. True, because unconditional love is supposed to make you very uncomfortable at first and when you feel this way you know it is the first sign that one is overcoming his/her Ego. When you give a gift and you feel extremely good about yourself as a result of your action, is pretty much an act of  petting/caressing your Ego, inflating it and making it more needy for something in return. It is actually receiving.

How do we unleash the real love?

You have to remove your Ego’s veils which are pride, self-pity, fear of rejection, control, lack of confidence, low self-esteem. Once, you discover and acknowledge each and every one of these “opponents”, then you have a chance to slowly remove them and be ready to share your knowledge, your values, your attitudes, your happy life with someone else. You are ready for love. You are ready to give and to receive. You are ready to be loved.

With much love,

Sabina

 

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